The Adventures of Greggery Peccary

Narrator:
The adventures of Greggery Peccary!

Greggery:
Oh, here comes Greggery
Little Greggery Peccary
The nocturnal gregarious
Wild swine

Narrator:
A peccary is a little pig with a white collar that usually hangs around between Texas and Paraguay, sometimes ranging as far west as Catalina

Greggery:
Catalina, Catalina, Catalina

Narrator:
This particular peccary is part of that bold

Greggery:
Bold

Narrator:
New

Greggery:
New

Narrator:
Breed

Greggery:
Breeding

Narrator:
That distinguishes itself by markings which resemble a wide tie directly below the white collar

Greggery:
If it's wide enough
Everyone will know
That the tie I'm wearing
Is a symbol
Of how nimble my mind will know
Ooh-ooh

Narrator:
Swank suavé!

Greggery:
Hoon-hoon hoona-han
Hoona hoona

Narrator:
Look out!
Here he comes again!

Greggery:
Now here comes Greggery Peccary

Yes it's cravy, cravy, yeah

Hoona-han
Hoona-han

Narrator:
Every morning, Greggery drives his little red Volkswagen to the ugly part of town where they keep the Government Buildings.

Greggery:
Voodn, Voodn!

Boy it's so hard to find a place to park around here!

Voo-voo-voo-nya-hoon

Narrator:
Greggery Peccary takes the elevator
Up to the eighty-third floor of a grim, gray, evil-looking building with a sign on the front reading
Big Swifty and Associates
Trend-Mongers.

And what, might you ask, is a trend monger?
Well, a trend monger is a person who dreams up a trend
Like The Twist
Or Flower Power
And spreads it throughout the land, using all the frightening little skills that science has made available.

And so it was, one fateful morning, Greggery Peccary made his way through the steno pool

Greggery:
Hi Mildred
Hello Gladys
Wanda

Narrator:
Yes, from the moment they laid eyes on him, all the girls in the Big Swifty steno pool knew
Here was a nocturnal, gregarious wild swine on his way up
A peccary of destiny, adventure and romance

Greggery:
Is there any mail for me?

Stenographers:
Swifty's
This is Big Swifty's
At Big Swifty's we all know-ow-ow
Wo-wo
You'll go
For any gimmick or gizmo

Greggery:
Wouldn't you rather be involved
In a series of colorful
Time-wasting trends?

Narrator:
Air hockey
Biff
Dush-h-h

Stenographers:
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Yoop yoop yoop-yoop

Greggery:
Is your wife snoring by the sink?

Stenographers:
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Yoop yoop yoop-yoop

Greggery:
Ain't your life boring, don'tcha think?

Stenographers:
Yoop yoop yoop-yoop-yoop yoop yoop

Greggery:
Life is so much better
When there's some little something
To do

Narrator:
Does it matter that this waste of time is what makes a life for you?
Hmmmmm?

Greggery:
I must plummet boldly forward to my ultra-avant laminated, simulated replica-mahogany desk, with the strategically-placed, imported, very hip water pipe, and the latest edition of the Whole Earth Catalog, and rack my agile mind for a spectacular new trend, thereby rejuvenating our limping economy, and providing for bored and miserable people everywhere some great new thing to identify with!

Stenographers:
We have got the little answers
To the things
That might be bothering you

Greggery:
We have got your little toys

We're busy makin' 'em
Busy makin' 'em

Stenographers:
We're busy makin' 'em

Greggery:
Busy makin' 'em

Stenographers:
Just for you
Yoo-hoo-hoo

Greggery:
Highly efficient, Miss Snodgrass!

Narrator:
And with that, Greggery turned and strode nonchalantly into his dinky little office with the desk and the catalog and the very hip water pipe, and proceeded, with a vigor and determination known only to piglets of a similarly diminutive proportion, to single-handedly invent the calendar.

With his eyes rolled heaven-ward, and his little shiny pig-hoofs on the desk, Greggery ponders the question of eternity, and fractional divisions thereof, as mysterious angelic voices sing to him from a great distance, providing the necessary clues for the construction of this thrilling new trend.

Angelic Voices:
Sunday

Greggery:
Sunday?
Wow!
Sunday, Saturday
Tuesday through
Monday, Monday
Sunday, Saturday

Narrator:
And thus the calendar, in all of its colorful disguises, was presented to the bored and miserable people everywhere.

Greggery issued a memo on it, whereupon the entire contents of the steno pool identified with it strenuously, and worshipped it as a way of life, and took their little pills by it, and went back 'n forth from work by it, and paid their rent by it, and before long they were even having birthday parties in the office by it, because now, at last, Greggery Peccary's exciting new invention had made it possible for everyone to find out how old they were.

Greggery:
What hath God wrought?

Narrator:
Unfortunately, there were some people who simply did not wish to know
And that's why, on his way home from the office one night, Greggery was attacked by a rage of hunchmen.

Making his way through the evening traffic, Greggery notices that the other vehicles which crowd and bump his little red car are all inhabited by slowly-ageing very hip young people.

They appear to be casting sinister glances toward him through their glinting acid burn-out eyeballs, trying to run him off the road, or make him bump into something
Giving strong evidence of hostile aggression.

To elude them, Greggery takes the short forest exit off the expressway.
They zoom after him in all manner of cars
Trucks
Garishly-painted buses
And motorcycles.

Greggery takes a bumpy trail off the main short forest road, which leads him up the side of a famous (and conveniently placed) mountain
And into a strange cave on the edge of a cliff, not far from a little twisted tree with eyes on it.

Meanwhile, the enraged hunchmen (and hunch-women) rumble through the short forest until (realizing the little swine has escaped), They decide to park their steaming vehicles in a circular pseudo-Wagon Train formation
And have a love-in.

Under the influence of a fantastic amount of trendy chemical amusement aid, they proceed to perform lewd acts
Rip each other off for small personal possessions
And dance with depraved abandon in the vicinity of a six-foot pile of transistor radios (each one tuned to a different station).

Greggery:
What?

Narrator:
The hunchmen finally expire from exhaustion, and Greggery, who has viewed the proceedings from a safe distance, breathes a sigh of relief:

Greggery:
Phew!

Narrator:
Only to be terrified once again by a roar of immense laughter:

Billy:
Ho ho ho

Narrator:
Which seems to be rumbling up from the very depths of the cave in which he has hidden his car

Greggery:
Good Lord! What was that?

Narrator:
Greggery doesn't realize he has concealed himself inside the very mouth of

Billy:
Ho ho ho

Narrator:
Billy the Mountain.

Billy:
Ho ho ho

Narrator:
And, as you all know, whenever Billy laughs, rocks and boulders hack up, and the air for miles around is filled with tons of dust, forming a series of huge brown clouds.

Greggery:
Who is making those new brown clouds?
Who is making those clouds these days?
Who is making those new brown clouds?
Better ask a philostopher 'n see what he says

Narrator:
Greggery stops at a gas station and makes a mysterious phone call

Greggery:
Is this the old loft
With the paint peelin' off it
By the Chinese police
Where the dogs roll by?

Is this where they keep
The philostophers now
With the rugs and the dust
Where the books go to die?

How many yez got?
Say yez got quite a few
Just sittin' around there
With nothin' to do?

Well I just called yez up
'Cause I wanted to see
A philostopher be
Of assistance to me!

Narrator:
Greggery receives information that The Greatest Living Philostopher Known to Mankind is currently in possession of the very information in question, and, furthermore, this information could be his, if only Greggery would attend a Special Therapeutic Group Assembly (classes now forming), and available at a special low low introductory fee
And now, here he is, The Greatest Living Philostopher Known to Mankind, Quentin Robert DeNameland!
Take it away!

Quentin:
Folks, as you can see for yourself, the way this clock over here is behaving, time is of affliction.
Now this might be cause for alarm among a portion of you, as, from a certain experience, I tend to proclaim:
The eons are closing.

Narrator:
Make your checks payable to Quentin Robert DeNameland, Greatest Living Philostopher Known to Mankind

Greggery:
Who is making those new brown clouds?
Who is making those clouds these days?
Who is making those new brown clouds?
If you ask a philostopher, he'll see
That you pays

(Läther version only)
Läther