I'm Afraid Of Japan

Nippon, won't you take me into your arms and make me
Into a sargeant, emboldened and enlargened
For some the spell was shafted, but I am in your sway
Yes, I am still enchanted by the ways of yesterday

To the public park I walk with my new wife
And in the summer heat, I lose my head
I tell her that the army needs a modus operandi
I tell her where I really went that evening in Chelsea
I tell her I don't think I'll last another single night
She says, Yeah, right

If I do it with an ice pick, will I come back as a jock?
If I fast until starvation will I be born again a Christian?
I hear that death by burning means returning as a girl
But only by seppuku can I retain my virtue

But all my efforts have only made an army of greedy gays
Will no one read The Sound Of Waves? Oh, oh, I am afraid.