Congratulations, John, on Joining Every Time I Die

Congratulations! Go stretch your ears and get a neck tattoo
Congratulations! All of our friends knew there was no better choice than you
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa

Congratulations! Are you gonna move up north and throw away your Yankees hat?
Congratulations! Are you gonna swear off ska and stop gelling your hair back?
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa

Nice going asshole. Nice going asshole
Nice going asshole. Nice going asshole
You finally did something right and I'm 2% bummed it wasn't me

I hope you know that Christine's gonna ask you to get into all your shows for free
And I will smile while silently resenting you for quitting Bomb the Music Industry
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa

Now Dave has another friend who's in a more successful band
Jenna's got another contact and another drummer to make out with again! w00t!

Nice going asshole. Nice going asshole
Nice going asshole. Nice going asshole
You finally did something right and you'll probably meet Dave Grohl
And tell us about him when you get home

Then you'll get the news from me that you'll never quit this band
And we're taking you out on tour for those two months a year that you're home because we can
And sure it's out of spite not to replace you, but you promised and we shook hands
So remember when you're back in Long Island, you will forever be forced to be a part of a ska band

Nice going asshole. Nice going asshole
Nice going asshole. Nice going asshole
You finally did something right, I guess state college did pay off!
We're all music majors too, can you make Ferret give us jobs
Or at least tell Ferret to sign my band?