The Mystery Of Miss Smith-Wiggins' Larder

Um, this is a piece called
The Mystery Of Miss Smith-Wiggins's Larder.
Er, it's about a lady called Miss Smith-Wiggins who had a larder, er with a mystery in it.

When Miss Smith-Wiggins went to her larder
She found a turnip shaped like Douglas Bader
Another one shaped like Evelyn Waugh
And a third one shaped like the man next door

Now Miss Smith-Wiggins was taken aghast
She'd been saving these fruits for her evening repast
And blushed pale at the thought of possibly cooking
Anything at all with these gentlemen looking

So Miss Smith-Wiggins called the police
Who came to her small bed-sitter in Nice
Questioned the turnips and took them away
And left her fresh veg that they'd bought just that day

To Miss Smith-Wiggins the moral was clear
When raddled with doubts or saddled with fear
When novelty natural products cause worry
A strong brave gendarme will come round in a hurry

The moral for you though, and maybe for me
Is not quite as frank as we'd like it to be