Nikolai Gogol

Er this, this is the strange true story of the nineteenth century Russian novelist Nikolai Gogol
Um, er never before told the true full story
Er which I uncovered somewhere and wrote down
Er this is, this is it
Khm khm

Niki hitch-hiked his way across the Ukraine
By lorry, bus, coach, car and train
He worked for a week in a smoky little bar
Saving rouble notes inside his panties and his bra
When he'd saved enough he bought a Smith Corona
He'd seen in the free ads with one careful owner
And clank-clank went the keys in the dark Russian night
And as he banged away he knew to write was right

He sold his first story to Pravda for a fiver
He said in a later interview that he never felt aliver
He still stripped for money in a bar every day
But when he got home in the evening he would bang the night away
His second story was mentioned in a St. Petersburg salon
By some very posh young women with very posh clothes on
And word crept to the Czar about Nikolai's fine talent
And Socie- s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s- Society wanted to meet this new literary gallant
We can keep that bit in actually 'cos that was very funky
Heh

So one evening Niko ventured to Society's upper stratum
He was introduced as Google which required an erratum
He sipped a fine red claret and he nibbled some Ryvita
He declined food more substantial saying he was never a big eater
And he tried to talk of stories and literary devices
But a messenger rushed in for the Czar with news of a crisis
The serfs sought emancipation and they wanted it right now
And they were willing to uprise for it
The Italian ambassador just said ciao

The Czar turned to Gogol and said just tell me what you want
Any sort of favour, any wishes I will grant
If you'd use your magic wordwise tongue to disabuse the serfs
Of their notions of equality, really show them what they're worth
So Gogol told the Czar that he would quite like a new coat
And if it wasn't too much trouble just a quick go in his boat
Then he strode into the Square where the serfs had all gathered
And he spoke very eloquently about things that really mattered

His speech was very mighty, his speech was very fine
The points he produced were apposite, and it wasn't a long time
Before the serfs were throwing fruit that was the other side of fresh
And all of Nikolai's clothes got mucky and a bit of a mess
So he slowly stripped them off whilst gyrating from the hips
And because the ground was rather moist with juice and he didn't want to slip
The crowd quietened down because he seemed to move so well
And the serfs were all entranced, they were just as loud as a pipistrelle

And while Gogol did his thing and quite frankly did his stuff
The soldiers from the Czar had really time enough
To pacify the peasants by beating them to a pulp
And shooting all the ringleaders and then huffing in a sulk
As Niko pulled his trousers up and went back to the Czar
Who said with a talent like that my son you're bound to go far
And so Gogol sold another story that very same night
And he knew with fans he had, well everything was all right

There'd be no more go-go bars for Nikolai Gogol
No more watching sweaty men who've merely come to ogle
Nikolai Gogol
No more go-go bars
No more go-go bars
For Nikolai
Hl
Nikolai
Oh
Nikolai
Gogol