In The Beginning Was The Letter

Er, this is a piece of filth called In The Beginning Was The Letter.

I can hardly think of anything better
Than reading a letter that's sent to the wrong address
Although I don't mean to suggest that I'd pry or snoop or open it up
But the paperknife slipped as I reached for a cup
And it's only polite and morally right
To check that the name on the letter inside
Doesn't live in the house where the letters arrive
'Cos sometimes, you know, mistakes are made
Envelopes get switched or the ink can fade
And Thirty-Seven Marlborough Square
Can look, through the haze of the breakfaster's hair
Like a Thirty Nine Pig Lane and there's no-one to blame
But when I looked closer and checked this one out
There wasn't a doubt and it wasn't for us
And so I saw Harry who made a small fuss
As he read it through twice
Even the parts that weren't very nice
And mentioned the vice of a certain Julianne May McGuire
Committed by posing nude with a lyre
And something she does on page four of the letter
Which I'm sure in time could possibly get her rewarded in Greece
Would make our police take a very dim view
Especially since it took place in a pew
But I said to Harry and he said to me
It was nothing compared to what on page three
Happens to someone referred to as John
And someone called Jim
And also Yvonne
And a man who seems to be known just as X
And someone called Jean (or Jean^*) of indeterminate sex
But then Harry held up the penultimate page
And waved it around as if in a rage
But he was not angry, he just needed a biscuit
So I handed him one, I thought that I'd risk it
'Cos I hadn't read quite to the end
And if Harry was any sort of a friend
He wouldn't leave me to hang there suspended
Not knowing quite how the letter was ended
And sputtering crumbs and wiping them off of his shirt with his thumb
He started to read exactly what was laid down in the screed
And I listened and blushed, slowed him down when he rushed
And wondered just what "My darling Kitten"
The person to whom the letter was written
Would make of the things that Harry reported
And whether she'd ever so gamely disported
And I pondered how "Sincerely, your chum"
The fellow from whom the missive had come
Had managed to make such detailed notes
Whilst keeping an eye open for boats
And pedalo people out on the pond
Not folk it was clear of whom he was fond
And at the same time still play a part
In breaking each heart he could find
Including, to be honest, a portion of mine
And at the end of it all
Harry and I sat down in the hall
And cuddled a little
And calmly I wiped his chin clean of spittle
The excitement was over, the kettle was whistling
The hair on my cheek and my chin was now bristling
So I had a quick shave and a wash and a shower
And in just a little under an hour
I sat down in the study with Harry my buddy
And we wrote a letter
He spoke it out first and I typed it up better
Which we sent to the paper that's published each day
And it said in a tone sincere but gay
If you were expecting to learn about this
And that
And some other
All signed with a kiss
And how he did what to whom and where
And when and how long all told with flair
And of course not forgetting this, this and that
Then put on your coat and pull on your hat
For we have received your post by mistake
And we'll keep it safe if you bring the cake
And take tea with us
The number four bus stops just outside
And after we've spoken for a bit we'll decide
Just whether we'll let you go with your letter
Or make you stay longer
Till we know you much better