37 Ways to Leave Your Yak

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a poem that may come in handy to some of you if you find yourselves in a particularly, er, straitened set of circumstances, shall we say.

It's called: 37 Ways to Leave your Yak.

You can leave it as left luggage at Fulham Broadway Station
You can leave it in your will as a gift for all the nation
You can wrap it up in paper for an elderly relation
Or send it back to Amazon as a customer cancellation

You can chain it to the lamp post with the appropriate length of chain
You can flush it down the toilet, you can push it from a train
Buy a one-way ticket on a package tour to Spain
Bake it in a cake and leave it in the rain

All the sweet green icing flowing down
I'm not sure I can ta-

You can leave your yak in France, you can leave it at a dance
You can lose your yak in poker if you think you have a chance
You can join the yak's trade union and force the yak to picket
Creep into Lords late at night and disguise it as a wicket
Buy an arsenic lollipop and entice the yak to lick it
You can leave it high or leave it dry or lose it in a thicket

You can leave your yak a broken yak all twisted up and bitter
Call Rentokil to come and deal with a great big hairy critter
Report it to the authorities for the dropping, say, of litter
And when your yak tells you it's going to prison you say: really? What a bummer

You can give your yak to God, you can batter it like cod
You can call yourself a rocker and declare your yak a mod
You can cook your yak brussels sprouts and very soon he'll leave you
Fake your death or suicide, a yak's bound to believe you
Bury it in the orchard just sit back admire the tree view
You can get your yak press-ganged down in Portsmouth, for the heave-to

You can turn your yak to pastie, sarnie, pie or quiche or strudel
You must shave your yak carefully to prepare the big bamboozle
Go to Crufts when Crufts is on, pretend your yak's a poodle
And if they question your dog's pedigree, explain it with an ingenious paper napkin doodle

You can leave your yak at home, you can leave it on its own
You can leave it like a coward with a message on the phone

Now why would I want to leave the yak? Am I just a nutter?
A yak's not bad, they're big and strong, make milk and cheese and butter
They're horny and quite beautiful when eyelashes start to flutter
But although I speak quite clearly, the yak don't hear a word I utter

He's deaf to all suggestions of things I would like to do
Every weekend is just the same, we end up at the zoo
And then it's down to Joshi's for a veggie vindaloo
And no yak is pleasant company when that lot passes through

Thank you.